final thoughts

 

These past 5 months here at CGA has been such a beautiful time. I honestly can’t believe we graduate tomorrow, and head off to literally all around the world on Sunday. This season has been one of the hardest, most fruitful, empowering seasons I think I have ever been a part of.

CGA for me has been a lot of different things, but im excited to share with you this certain one.

 You see, I wasn’t a very bold or brave person when I started CGA.

I was actually in a lot of pain when I first started.

I was really insecure.

I felt like I wasn’t good enough because I didn’t know my identity.

I would sit in the back with one or two people and only speak when spoken to.

I didn’t speak up during class, nor did I reach out to people to whom I really wanted a relationship with.

I was so prideful in such a quiet way.

I would never ask for help, or tell people what was wrong.

 

I thought I had to be a perfect person who did perfect things and had a perfect relationship with everyone around me.

 

And that is by far the biggest lie I ever believed.

 

I’ve learned that I don’t have to be a perfect person. I don’t have to have everything in order to be loved. I don’t have to fit in with the crowd because my worth isn’t defined by who affirms  me and who doesn’t. I can use my voice and speak up when things hurt me or I need advice because what I need and have to say is just as important as the next person.

 

And I realize all of these things are simply just because Jesus and how He changes us.

In the past couple months, my dearest friend Jackie spoken something into me and it has impacted me so much over the past couple days. 

“Thank you for teaching me the joy in falling to the ground and dying in order to bear fruit.

 I love you. –From Jackie”

 At first, I don’t think I fully grasped what Jackie had spoken to me. It wasn’t until this past weekend when she handed me a card with those written on it, that I finally began to see what Jackie did. My eyes were opened to a new perspective. My heart was ready to see what she was seeing.

 This season, I have realized how my heart has changed. Every part of who I was before and who I am now has changed.

Every insecurity, every doubt, every fear, shame and regret, is gone.

 I chose to die to myself this season.

I chose the hard things. The things I HATED doing. I chose into things that were going to push me to my limits and challenge me in so many more ways than one. I chose to be uncomfortable. I chose growth over comfortability this season, and that literally meant dying to myself and carrying my cross.

Everything that I knew, and that was comfortable, I chose to die to. I’ve realized what dependency looks like. What intimacy looks like. I don’t have to walk alone anymore. I don’t have to try and do things on my own. Instead, I’m walking in surrender. Because the second I step away from my cross, somebody dies. Somebody misses the gospel. Someone misses the love of the Father through a smile, or a wave. And that isn’t okay with me.

 So, I will continue to lay down the things I hold tight to. I will lay down the thoughts and dreams that I have for my life so the Father can show me which step He wants me to take.  Choosing to lay down the things I believe to be true so God can speak into me.

This season I have learned the beauty of dying to myself and carrying my cross. Dying to myself in hard seasons just so The Father has room to come in and plant fruit.

The Father is right beside me cheering me on. He’s saying “You’re almost there. A little bit further and we can take a break! You can do this, I promise. I won’t let you down!”

I’m thankful for seasons that push us to our limits. It’s only then where we find out for ourselves who we depend on. This seasons has been that for me. I started out a really insecure, voiceless, girl. Who now, because of the things I have learned in CGA, has changed 100%. She knows who she is, and whose she is.